You may think from the title of this blog post, that this is going to be about a wild trip in the UK, with drugs and alcohol and hallucinations… Unfortunately (or well, fortunately, cause I wouldn’t want that either?) it is not about that. At all.
This post is about my fear of doing things.
First let me start by telling you that I am an avid planner. I love planning stuff. I love making lists and notes and carrying notebooks with me at all times. I have pages and pages with notes on blog posts I want to do, things I want to achieve.
I had this blog post idea about two months ago. And here comes my problem: I plan but I don’t do. And for a while I’ve been wondering what the heck is holding me back. Updating my blog doesn’t take THAT long and I actually want to do it, so why am I procrastinating and finding excuses not to do it?
Well. You see: If I don’t do something, then I cant be disappointed with how it came out. If I don’t write a blog post, I can’t be disappointed in how lacking in coherent thought it seems or how it didn’t measure up to my expectations of it. But with that thought process comes two problems:
I am being controlled by my fear
I will never actually do anything
And I freaking hate that. I loathe it. I want to do things, I want to write blog posts and novels and poems and do all of those other things that my fear is keeping me from doing.
So. I’m gonna try my damn hardest to do things that I wan’t to do.
That’s all I wanted to say really. Hope you’re all well out there.
On Valentines day my friend, her parents, and I went to Winchester! Super cute city, never been there before and I really enjoyed the old buildings and how it felt more like a village than a town or city, despite its size. Also.. It had quite a few good places like a really cool locally owned vegetarian cafe (called “Rawberry”) and a nice bookshop, but just overall, there was a really nice feel to the place – even with the weather being quite dreary and grey. So – Yes, would definitely recommend it if you are at all into: shopping, history, buildings, cathedrals, cute local cafes, cities in the UK… you get my drift.
I have plans to use this blog more. I will. I will.
It is the 31st of December 2016 and that means that this year is beginning to come to a close.
I don’t know how to describe this year. On a personal level, many great things happened:
I graduated from University. I got to go new places with people that I care about. I got to spend time with family and friends, try new things as well as create.
But it’s also the year where I have been the most involved with politics. It’s the year where I have cried the most over things happening in the world and felt an intense sense of anger and hopelessness. So many horrible things happened this year which touched me deeply and I found myself becoming more cynical and afraid to hope for better times- I mean, it’s hard to hope when you see all this anger, hatred and fear that exists in society.
I’ve mourned so many people I never knew personally and I doubt I will ever be able to watch the music video to Sia’s “The Greatest” without crying.
Still, this year has given us moments where people really came together. My friend, her father, and I, went to a vigil held for the Pulse Nightclub Shootings and I was so happy to see many people there. I saw (via the internet) the vigil held in London and I was so touched. The fight for noDAPL was inspiring (though frustrating, as most fights for things are!), and everyone I have seen on Twitter, Tumblr, and in real life who continue to fight for the good in the world, give me a glimmer of hope.
I just hope that in 2017, there will be a little less cruelty and violence and less reason to live in fear. It’s unlikely, but..Yeah.
Be kind to one another out there and don’t stop fighting to protect everything that’s good. I know I wont.
PS. Don’t forget to stay safe tonight and keep your pets indoors! Fireworks are scary and dangerous and you know… Be safe.
A few weekends ago, I decided to take a break. It was the weekend after the American election and boy did I need to be disconnected from the stream of bad news coming from all sides. So, on the Saturday after, I decided to avoid going on any social media completely: No Facebook, no Twitter, no Tumblr, no Instagram allowed. The most connection I had with the outside world was the few random YouTube videos I watched and when I played World of Warcraft… And honestly? It was hard. It was pretty freaking difficult. All day I struggled with the temptation of going on some social media , just to check.. I just wanted to see what was happening, if the world was still there when I didn’t constantly check on it. With a lot of difficulty I somehow managed to stop myself from giving in to those desires though. And on the evening of that offline day, when I crawled to bed, I felt calmer and less anxious than I have in a long time.
It is a weird feeling to realise that you are actually addicted and highly dependant on something as strange as social media.
It was odd. Incredibly odd. I found myself feeling a lot better after the day offline though and there was so much I managed to actually get done… Instead of spending four hours reading the horrible news of the US election, I got around to doing things I had been putting off for weeks.
So, I think I’m gonna go this more often. Maybe once or twice a month I am going to take a day like this:
I was scared to hope yesterday. I looked at the polls before i went to sleep. I crossed my fingers and thought “Maybe, just maybe, 2016 will end on a high note. Maybe it will be different from Brexit. Maybe the voters will do the right thing. ”
I was right to be scared. Somehow the US has elected someone who is unfamiliar with politics and who condemns so many people simply because they’re different from him, and I honestly don’t know what to do.
I am heartbroken that he has won. I am heartbroken over the massive step back the world has taken by the US electing a homophobic misogynist bigot as their leader.
I have spent hours and hours looking at the news and trying to find something good, something to hope for. But like with Brexit, I am left feeling hopeless and angry.
I think one of the scariest things is the thought “how could this happen?” because the answer is just too cruel: There are more racists and misogynists out there than we thought. There are people with such an enormous amount of hatred that they chose hate over progress. People did this. People chose this. And because of those people, the American women, lgbtq+, non-caucasian and disabled might lose their rights that they have fought so hard for. I am terrified of this and that the thought of all of that being okay will spread to the rest of the world.
I am scared and angry, and I want to do something. I want to fight this.
But for today I dont have the energy or the resolve. I can only mourn.
We’ll see about tomorrow.
Be safe out there.
P.S: For all of the Americans who voted for Hillary but got this instead: I am so, so, sorry.
I have been listening to a lot of music lately, especially stuff by female bands/singers/artists. Why? Why not honestly. It’s good music. Also, it gives me some hope for the world with the whole…the American Election that is currently going on. It might be a bit silly, but it helps with the hopelessness of not being able to do anything, to listen to some good music made by women who are talented, who defy the “norm”, the “expected” or who just simply do their thing because they want to.
We have come a long way, thankfully. We have rights now. But there is still such a way to go, not just for women but for all people who are deemed not welcome in a society that glorifies the Caucasian man above all.
I dont know. I am just scared about this election. I was scared about Brexit and I’m scared for this result.
Go vote American people. And let’s cross our fingers that the right candidate wins.